Wednesday 14 September 2016

My (early) old age crisis and what I'm doing about it.

I was surprised to see that I haven't been back here since early July, and at the same time, not surprised.  The "not surprised" had to do with the anxiety I've been feeling this year, which I would normally have written about but held back because I didn't want to be boringly bonking anybody over the head seeking consolation.

I live a privileged life: I'm strong and healthy for a person of my age, my husband, my children, my grandchildren and my friends seem to like me and retirement  has been, for the most part, a joy.  Yet I kvetch internally and externally about how I don't feel I'm pulling my weight, about how I can't seem to get access to my own relatively large set of words, about how uneasy I feel behind the wheel of our car, and even often as a  passenger.  I regret the stubbornness I brought to the volunteer work I used to do which unfortunately has left me a person with lots of passion and no platform.

So, I got a rainbow tattoo, and started going to counselling.

I talked to my counsellor and my doctor about my fear that I was heading rather rapidly towards dementia or Alzheimer's and finally today, started the process of being tested.

My doctor ran me through a test I'd taken a year earlier, and as I feared, told me I was just fine for my age; I replied that I'd done well in the test because I'm competitive and described for him the monotonous frustration of deciding to do a task and totally forgetting the task and the reason for it during the time it took me to get to my laptop.  I told him how I could look at my grandchildren and not remember their names; I told him that often I have to search for the words to describe things that I've known the names of since I was 6.

He told me he would make the referral for the next set of tests that would be carried out by a "memory" group at a local hospital, not because he thought I needed it but because he knew I needed it.  He is a compassionate man.

I almost ran home.
  

4 comments:

  1. It's the stumbling for words ...

    Sue is quick to fill them in for me although sometimes I wonder if I would feel better if she would give me time to find them because they do come to me. But that would really stymie whatever the conversation is about in the first place, so ...

    Anyway, I hope you are partly consoled or will be soon.

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  2. Some thé things you have said ring a bell for me too. The things I forget are the recent kind. Anyway, don't worry I have not forgotten our lunch today....you? Pick u up 12:15. K? Eve.

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  3. Thanx for the not FB lunchtime read. U are not alone & at least u don't put your head in the sand like me. ;)

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  4. I'm 57 and have struggled at times, for about 15 years now, to find words that are on the tip of my tongue. Quite a bit lately I just have to pause in the middle of a conversation and wait for the word to come. Everyone assures me this is normal for middle-aged women. Fingers crossed it is, and that it's normal for you! But I'm glad you're having the tests; you'll be more confident to deal with it and with luck have less anxiety once you are sure what's going on.

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